Hey, I've come have returned!

I've deleted my content because, well, I actually don't remember but I'm sure it had something to go along with having to start a new slate!
So I'm going a little life update on what I am doing with my life and how I'm spending my time and free time responsibly and well socializing with friends and stuff. and other sorts of other things.

So I have started college! Sometime in the first or second week of September.I don't remember the exact date because the first week is a complete blur to me. So it was actually recommended to me by a friend that I should take the Early Childhood Education, it is a four-semester course, and my friend recommended to me because well you know it requires a specific skill that I apparently have. (being good with children lol)

 So I am aware that I am in a great situation and I'm very happy about it, but I am also kind of questioning it. I'm not questioning the course, I'm questioning me taking the course. Because self-doubt is a thing that I have as self-confidence...I'm not lacking in self-doubt I'm having an abundance of self-doubt so I have a lot of self-doubt and all of that is feeding into my anxiety which is then feeding into my tendency to over think. Very, very, very high tendency to overthink, so it's all kind of catching up to me.

I was having a session with my therapist the other week. We actually were talking about something completely different,  but in a similar vein to this and she mentioned something called "imposter syndrome". She explained to me briefly to what it means and I was like "oh, oh okay, yes, that rings a bell!"  So it basically "imposter syndrome is a concept describing individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud". "

So very basically it essentially means that I often don't think I'm good enough for the things that I do and that in turn affect of how I see myself and how I treat myself. I mean that's my kind of interpretation and connection to imposter syndrome. So that's the thing I've been thinking quite a bit recently and I just think it's interesting because I've never come across that before. But it quite accurately describes how I feel a lot of the time.

I'm also one of those people that who can be quite bad for "self-punishment"  I don't really know what else to call it. Essentially I am really terrible for beating myself up if think I've done enough work that day, but I feel like I've achieved something, I've no productivity and I just kind of internally telling myself that I am a failure and I'm wasting my time and I'm ruining everything that I've worked for blah, blah, blah, it's all bad.

The reason I'm talking about it is that because that kind of happened to me, past few day I was supposed to be at college working and didn't, I just didn't. I just woke up with complete lack of motivation, both days and groaned and just didn;t get anything done. With the nature of my work, I do some freelance work and stuff. It kind of means that I always have work to do. Like it's just like I never, don't have work I could be doing if that makes sense.

So I sat there very aware that I should be going to college and I should have been doing stuff. I have assignments to be done and research to do and ba-ba-ba-ba-ba but I just didn't. And I made myself feel really, really bad about it, so that was cramp

So in the past two days, I've been wallowing around the house not managing to do anything, make myself feel really bad. I've had loved one telling me that it's okay we're all allowed to take some days off. sometimes. just to kind of exist, especially for feeling bad. You shouldn't be punished for having a bad mental health day or just feeling a bit unmotivated, like you're allowed to just take a day off.

I totally agree with that, which is why after a while I just gave in and let myself played Tomb Raider for a few hours. The problem that I have is that my brain never stops. It just seems to be how I'm wired, I'm always thinking, the cogs are always turning. that's why I said earlier that I have a very, very, high tendency to over think, I am the queen of overthinking and it's exhausting. having my brain.

So on days like these when it says on my calendar, its a work day or I have an assignment due soon and I have a list of all the things I need to get done and then I don't do them. My brain is just like "well no because today is a work day today you have to do this,  this and this. you're not doing these things, you're not working, you are failing, you are a failure"

I'm not able to flip the switch in my brain and go "no actually im not thinking today and I'm really struggling so I'm going to take today as a day off and I'll work tomorrow and I'll research later in the week" but I can't switch it over because its already in "overwork day mode" and so then that causes the "self-punishment act"  I can't can't seem to do that, my brain just continues with the relentless self-punishment and I just feel worse, and worse, and worse.

It's like physically I allow myself to have a day off but mentally I do not allow myself to have a day off. So that immediately is just kind of absolutely weird imbalanced dynamic that just it's not good result basically. this is something that's always been a thing for me and I've always struggled with but it's definitely gotten worse as I've gotten older but it's only been recently that I've started to fully understand how it happens and what goes on in my brain in this situation. So I can actually break it down and understand what's happening but I have yet to figure out how to stop it from happening.

I thought I would share this realization that I've had and talk about this thing that happens to me very often. I just genuinely think that it's interesting to talk about when I first started thinking about it and breaking it down for my therapist. I was thinking "oh, this is weird and strange and interesting and the human brain is very complicated." It baffles me, it really does. But anyways I hope you're having a good week, mine started very well and then rapidly became less well.